The Jew: A Performance Script
Michelangelo Buonarroti the Younger
by Cristofano Allori (Casa Buonarroti, Florence)
L'EBREO (THE JEW)
A Carnival Comedy by
MICHELANGELO BUONARROTI THE YOUNGER (1568-1646)
Adapted by
EDWARD GOLDBERG
CHARACTERS
MONNA SIMONETTA
Narrator and neighbor lady (doubles as POLICE CONSTABLE in last scene)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI (“Messer Alamanno”)
A rich and influential Florentine merchant.
DIANORA TOLOSINI (“Monna Dianora”)
Wife of Alamanno Tolosini.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
A marriageable young lady; the only daughter of Alamanno and Dianora.
LUCIA
A pert young maidservant of Oretta Tolosini.
RIHA (“Riccardo”)
A gluttonous manservant of Messer Alamanno.
GIOVANNI BARBA
A merchant and eligible bachelor.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Giovanni Barba’s best friend.
AMBROGIO BORDONI (“Messer Ambrogio”)
A pompous doctor of law.
FEDERIGO
A scheming marriage broker.
MELCHISEDEC
A Jewish merchant of Turkish extraction.
SETTING: Florence, 1614 (Various homes and public places.)
ACT ONE
ACT ONE, INTRODUCTION
MONNA SIMONETTA
It’s 1614! It’s Carnival—the annual silly season between Twelfth Night and Lent! Imagine a typical Florentine street. Three big houses
Monna Simonetta indicates these imaginary buildings.
left, right and center. Solid buildings and solid folks. In the middle, Casa Tolosini—home to a cantankerous old merchant, Messer Alamanno Tolosini.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Messer Alamanno puts on a large velvet hat and scowls.
MONNA SIMONETTA
And his much put-upon wife of many years, Monna Dianora—my lady Dianora, that is to say.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Monna Dianora puts on a black headpiece with a short veil in back and gives a worried look.
MONNA SIMONETTA
And their daughter Oretta, age seventeen—alternately bullied and indulged by her doting parents.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oretta puts a small wreath of white flowers on her head and smiles sweetly.
MONNA SIMONETTA
There are servants, of course. Lucia, the maid—young and lively—too lively for anyone’s good!
LUCIA
Lucia puts on an anachronistic Upstairs/Downstairs-style maid’s cap and tosses her head.
MONNA SIMONETTA
And Riccardo—Ri-HAR-do in Florentine—Riha for short. Fat boy from the country. Your all-purpose Carnival glutton.
RIHA
Riha puts on a livery cap and grins.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Right next door—only a few feet away—Casa Amieri. Home of Girolamo Amieri, thirty-something bro about town.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Girolamo puts on a purple Fiorentina cap—baseball-style—and gives a “thumbs-up” gesture.
MONNA SIMONETTA
And his best buddy, Giovanni Barba.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Giovanni puts on a similar but different cap and mirrors the “thumbs-up” gesture.
MONNA SIMONETTA
How about Giovanni’s trade-mark beard—barba that is to say? Fortunately, our actor has one, so you don’t need to imagine it. [Alternately:Giovanni pulls out a mirror and draws an elegant little goatee with a grease stick, in view of the audience.] Back story? He’s come to Florence, looking for a bride. Where are all the mothers? They should be lining up at his door!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Monna Dianora Tolosini raises her hand.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
OrettaTolosini casts her eyes down modestly.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Then in the third house—Casa Bordoni—there is an authentic big shot. And if you don’t believe me, just ask him! Ambrogio Bordoni. Dottore! Dottorissimo! Doctor of law.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio Bordoni puts on an Italian lawyer’s hat and makes a stilted bow.
MONNA SIMONETTA
And his friend—no one’s friend really!—Federigo the marriage broker. Con artist supreme.
FEDERIGO
He puts on a racetrack tout’s hat, with a few tickets in the band—and gives a roguish smile.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Take out your wallet and pick a card!
Then Melchisedec—the Jew in The Jew. The man in the title role.
MELCHISEDEC
Melchisedec puts on a turban with a Jewish star, does a quick read of the audience and then winks.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Turkish, more or less. An exotic creature, to be sure. He lives in the ghetto but pops inand out of people’s houses—and on and off-stage.
Who am I—you wonder? Monna Simonetta.
She bows to the audience.
Monna Simonetta! And I’m fresh out of hats!
FULLCAST
Everyone points at her.
MONNA SIMONETTA
a.k.a. “My Lady Simonetta”.
a.k.a. “That Good Soul”.
a.k.a. “That Meddling Bitch Next Door”.
FULL CAST
A range of varied responses, all intense.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Remember “next door” but forget the rest! I live right behind the Casa Tolosini—just over the garden wall. Cookies you want? Cookies I got! And the latest gossip too!
So? Are we ready?
(ALL CAST leaves the stage except GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Monna Simonetta pulls out a clapperboard.
Girolamo Amieri’s home in Florence. Giovanni and Girolamo! Take it away!
She claps it loudly.
ACT ONE, SCENE 1
GIOVANNI BARBA
So, Girolamo, what do you say? Isn’t Oretta a great looking girl? And haven’t I lucked out, making this match?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Sure! Sure! It’s all good! Just don’t lose sight of the money. Gold coins stay beautiful forever and never grow old. In fact, the more you handle them, the brighter they shine. And money—unlike wives—won’t eat you out of house and home. Instead, you can watch your cash devour other people—the ones, you know, who pay you interest. And, yes! Seven thousand scudi is a fine dowry.
GIOVANN BARBA
Best of all, I like the free and easy way we did this deal—especially since I’m just a new guy in town. Her old man, I hear, has already deposited a thousand scudi in the Guidolotti bank. So now, I’m good to go!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
That’s the way to make marriages! We shouldn’t be wheeling and dealing in the market place, faking and feinting and bluffing each other out. Finding a wife isn’t like buying a load of goods—taking the stuff and never seeing the seller again. When aspiring in-laws start playing tricks,we know right off that they have plenty to hide. And when family alliances begin with everyone on their guard, their guard is going to stay up forever.
GIOVANNI BARBA
What can I say, Girolamo? You know the score. But in my case, the pieces fell right into place. Messer Alamanno is a good old man and his family, the Tolosini, are fine and noble. Best of all, their habits and customs are just like mine, so their lifestyle is everything a gentleman could wish. The Tolosini household is wonderfully free of pomp and pretense—with none of the old-fashioned crudity that infests the homes of the elderly. Last thing I need is a doddering geezer who can’t get over the good old days—all packed and ready to go rushing back.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Tell me about it! Unless something has been gathering dust for fifty years, you might as well save your breath. They eat on wooden trenchers and won’t even look at good tin plates. They hang those long towels by the sink, collecting everyone’s handprints from week to week. You might as well be living in a dog-eared booklet of household tips from way back when. But above all—I’m warning you—don’t get between old guys and their wine! They want it right there on the table in front of them—not decently offered by the servants.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Then, whatever the season, they amble around in flat-heeled slippers with open toes. And if they want to look stylish, they stuff a big old handkerchief up their sleeve and tuck their gloves into their waistband.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Enough, Giovanni! Enough! No one can say that you haven’t done well for yourself. Everyone in Florence is singing your praises.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Now listen, I’ve been thinking… I want to call on Oretta tonight and seal our engagement, taking her hand in mine. So naturally, I need you and all my friends to come along.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Oh?! You’ve seen her yourself already—on your own?
GIOVANNI BARBA
How could I? They’re still drafting the marriage contract.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
So, now you want to pop up on her doorstep—Surprise! Surprise!—dragging along everyone you’ve ever known?
GIOVANNI BARBA
Is there a problem?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Not if you like disasters! I can see Oretta’s folks gritting their teeth—pretending they’re thrilled to see you. But where, in this picture, is Giovanni Barba?
GIOVANNI BARBA
You tell me!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
We’re talking about your first visit. So, you need to slip in and make nice to your bride—whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Then—as soon as she’s gotten used to you—you get busy glad-handing everyone in the house.
GIOVANNI BARBA
So?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Just imagine the scene… Hug, hug! Kiss, kiss! Father! Mother! Wife! And meanwhile, your buddies are shuffling around, bumping into furniture, tripping over each other’s feet. Keep it simple, Giovanni! Jump right in! Take charge! Let the Tolosini know that you’re there to stay!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Whew! After all that, will you at least have dinner with me this evening?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Sure, if you’re inviting—this evening and tomorrow evening and any evening you want! Then we can pull out the cards and dice, like usual—if you promise not to win. But seriously, Giovanni, you’ll always have me at your side, telling you what to do. Then you can try any fool thing you want. And like a true friend, I won’t even say, “I told you so!”
GIOVANNI BARBA
You were there for me, Girolamo, every step of the way, in all of my matrimonial adventures—especially the crazy ones.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
When it comes to crazy, I can read you lectures straight from the professor’s chair. But for every scheme I remember, I have forgotten two—and that’s God’s own mercy. Decrepit in-laws with wild obsessions? Been there! Done it! How about anxious widows, pious church ladies, obnoxious younger brothers, idle chatterers, pompous jerks, misers, scroungers and miscellaneous nut-cases? At your service! But whatever you do and wherever you go, you should always have a kinsman watching your back.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Kinsmen? Well, I can’t claim even one of those. I was just a boy when I left Florence for the port of Ancona, to make my fortune with the Alberighi firm. I had neither kith nor kin nor property of my own. Back then, I was only 21 years old and now I’m 43. So, even if I misplaced a cousin or two along the way, they’re not hanging around, waiting for me to find them. You, Girolamo, are my closest relation, through the sacred bonds of friendship. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
43? You’re 43? I would have guessed 37, maybe 38 on a bad day. Just keep that little number to yourself!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Oh?!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
You want the girl to find out?
GIOVANNI BARBA
So what if she does?! Look at me, Girolamo! I’m still in the game! I can do everything I could ten years ago.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Yeah, great! Congratulations! Oretta, meanwhile, is coming up on 18.
GIOVANNI BARBA
What's a decade or two, anyway? I have always looked after myself—eating well and sleeping well.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Once you get married, you can forget about sleeping well! Then, after six or eight years of that, we will see what you are good for.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Right here in Florence, I can show you lots of men who are fifty, if a day, settling down with fresh young wives.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
You can also show me lots of young widows making up for lost time. Dressing and behaving—well, you’ve seen them yourself. The minute their husbands check out, they launch second careers as public scandals. But buck up, Giovanni! I am not saying that you are old. Heaven forbid! I am only saying that you look younger than your years—and what’s wrong with that? But now, we’re wasting time! Go pay your respects to Messer Alamanno. Take along anyone you want, since you don’t have a stash of relatives tucked away. But get in there—this instant—and start buttering up your father-in-law. Throw your arms around him, lay your head on his shoulder, congratulate yourself on being able to call him “Dad”. Then, you’re off and running.
GIOVANNI BARBA
I’ll visit him at home this very second. And also, I can start in with Monna Dianora, my mother-in-law.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Hold your horses! You don’t want to neglect your bride, while laying siege to her parents. It’s time to dangle a shiny object in front of Oretta’s eyes. You can always find a necklace or pendant around the shops at Santa Croce. And everyone hangs out in the pharmacy at Albizi Corner… Stop! Forget that! You’ll be throwing raw meat to the worst gossips in Florence. Just say the word “jewelry” and in five minutes, they’ll know more about your engagement than you do yourself. Meanwhile, you could always try the Mercato Nuovo…
GIOVANNI BARBA
How did this get so complicated?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Relax! There are plenty of trinkets in town. I know! Let’s head to Ponte Vecchio–right this minute. With that mob of goldsmiths and jewelers, someone will have just the thing. Then—off you go!—straight to the Tolosini home.
GIOVANNI BARBA
You lost me back at “hold your horses”.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Point one: You’re not springing up on Oretta’s doorstep with a rag-tag crew. Point two: You’re arriving in style with a stunning gift. So, listen up, Girolamo—and learn! This is how marriages are made. Begin with vague pleasantries—the vaguer the better. Then before you know it, you win the bride’s heart and her mother’s favor and the good will of all the women in the house. Just keep things light and avoid serious discussions like the plague.
GIOVANNI BARBA
You would know!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
I won’t say that women prefer raging lunatics, but nothing kills tender feelings quicker than wisdom and reason in a man. What’s the worst news you can give a young girl? Just tell her that you are marrying her to a distinguished Doctor of Something or Other from the university—or anyone who is serious by profession. Who can blame the poor thing?! Imagine spending your life amidst heaps of books, frayed professorial robes, and a perpetual muttering of Latin? “Quam quam, this!” “Quam quam, that!” Imagine sitting upright and attentive at the dinner table, day after day, eating little and laughing less. And let’s not even mention the bedchamber! Any sane woman would run screaming from the room.
GIOVANNI BARBA
But Oretta will be pleased, if I do everything you say?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Sure! Sure! Sure! You will make her day. The women will flee for their lives, not having had a chance to pull themselves together. The bride will dive under her bed, never to be seen again…
GIOVANNI BARBA
But I thought…
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Lighten up, already! You must be in love! Now, let’s get ourselves to Ponte Vecchio. The vendors will welcome you with open arms. Then it’s Oretta’s turn.
GIOVANNI BARBA
I’m right behind you, Girolamo! Off we go!
(Exit GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO.)
ACT ONE, SCENE 2
MONNA SIMONETTA
Meanwhile—at that very moment—matchmaker meets lawyer. Right next door in the Casa Bordoni.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(Enter FEDERIGO and AMBROGIO.)
FEDERIGO
Sorry, big guy! Your Excellency, I mean to say. Saving your reverence.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio Bordoni nods silently.
FEDERIGO
Messer Ambrogio.
Federigo bows.
Doctor of Law.
Federigo bows again.
Your lordship, if I may. Oretta is engaged—but alas!—not to you.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio Bordoni silently nods again.
FEDERIGO
So, you need to point your nose in some other direction. Lay a fresh trap for some other bird.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Nose? Bird? Trap?
FEDERIGO
Oh, it is easy for me to speak! Words are merely words! You’re the one in love.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Love?
FEDERIGO
Your wounds are fresh! They bleed! We must find some healing oil.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I have plenty of oil. I burn my lamp all night, studying my law books.
FEDERIGO
While tears roll down your cheeks! Moaning, sighing...whatever.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Whatever! You’ve heard of Pisa? The university? The faculty of law?
FEDERIGO
You follow the Arno River due West to Empoli, then you keep going—and bang, you’re in Pisa! Isn’t there a leaning tower?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Who knows? Maybe? Don’t waste my time with idle tales!
FEDERIGO
Or thoughts of love?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ah, yes. Olivetta.
FEDERIGO
Oretta! Young, beautiful—and rich. Oretta! An old-fashioned girl with a big modern dowry. You’ll go out of your mind if you don’t marry her.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I’ll go out of my what?
FEDERIGO
But now Oretta is engaged! Alas, not to you.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
So, I need to stick my nose in some other trap?
Ambrogio pauses and gives Federigo a quizzical look.
What’s wrong with this one?
FEDERIGO
Nothing—except Giovanni Barba.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Giovanni Barba?
FEDERIGO
Giovanni, first name. Barba, last name.
Federigo strokes his chin.
Oretta’s betrothed.
Federigo strokes his chin again.
Capeesh?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
So…
FEDERIGO
So?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
So, what are marriage brokers for anyway?
FEDERIGO
Well, we make marriages—as a rule.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
But rules...
FEDERIGO
…are meant to be broken!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Marriage contracts too?
FEDERIGO
My god! The lawyer speaks.
(Exit AMBROGIO.)
(FEDERIGO remains on stage.)
ACT ONE, SCENE 3
MONNA SIMONETTA
The lawyer has spoken!
(Enter ALAMANNO.)
And now—accidentally on purpose!—oh, by the way!—right there in the street!—Federigo bumps into Messer Alamanno, Oretta’s father. Did I mention that Florence is a very small town?
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
FEDERIGO
Federigo addresses the audience.
Thank heaven for useful idiots! I just stand here and they fall off the tree into my hand. Now we see Alamanno Tolosini, Oretta’s doting dad—talking to himself, since no one else will listen.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Messer Alamanno starts mumbling.
FEDERIGO
Plus Riha, their waddling manservant—with his fat gut blocking the view.
(Enter RIHA—smiling and waving.)
FEDERIGO
Federigo bows deeply to Alamanno.
Excellency! I thank God for your amazing good health.
RIHA
Good health? The wind blows right through me, miserable starving creature that I am!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Who asked you?
RIHA
Riha shrugs and grins.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Do you know why I feed you? Because you can’t eat and talk at once!
Alamanno addresses Federigo.
He’s a fool in any season, but Carnival is always worse. And now we have a wedding in the works—so you can imagine the rest.
FEDERIGO
Again Federigo bows deeply.
A wedding? Your daughter Olivetta? May heaven bless her and the happy groom.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Oretta! It’s Oretta! She’s marrying Giovanni Barba.
FEDERIGO
Oh?!
A similuated double-take. Then Federigo bows again with a fixed smile.
God’s will be done. Amen!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Who or what is “Amen”?! You know Giovanni Barba?
FEDERIGO
Not in the least. Not a thing. Giovanni who?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Barba.
Alamanno strokes his chin.
FEDERIGO
Well, everyone knows who the Tolosini are.
Federigo bows to Alamanno.
But what—pray tell—is a Barba?
FULL CAST
Everyone strokes their chin.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Can’t stand it, huh?!
Alamanno laughs.
I contracted this marriage on the fly—all by myself—without a broker in sight. Bad for business, what?!
FEDERIGO
No problem! None at all! You know best. All about your son-in-law. Who he is—and isn’t!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Who he...what?! Speak up, man! What are you saying?
FEDERIGO
Federigo clenches his lips, then gives a meaningful look.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
What are you not saying?!
FEDERIGO
Federigo raises his hands and looks to heaven.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
So, you’re telling me that Giovanni Barba is a base-born whelp from nowhere?
FEDERIGO
Hey! Where did you hear that?
Silence, then look of alarm.
FEDERIGO
Relax! Relax! He’s only marrying your daughter and inheriting your fortune.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Don’t start! Just don’t start! You can’t imagine what I’m going through, beginning with Oretta’s dowry. First, I had to liquidate all my ready assets. Now, I need to collect a thousand scudi from Melchisedec the Jew.
Alamanno looks at Melchisedec (who remains seated, but shrugs his shoulders), then repeats the name with emphasis.
Melchisedec the Jew! For the merchandise I gave him! The bill is due—past due actually. But when it comes to paying up, we can expect the usual song and dance. These Jews are always out for themselves! And I don’t even mention the ones who ruin young people with frauds and swindles of every kind.
FEDERIGO
Tell me about it! I know my way around the brothels, taverns and gambling dens where all the Jews and other riff-raff hang out—scrounging and cheating and the rest.
MONNA SIMONETTA
She makes a gesture of fake shock, then smiles.
Melchisedec the Jew? Grifter for the ages? Shylock in training?
MELCHISEDEC
Melchisedec stands up in front of his chair,.
MONNA SIMONETTA
She scratches her head.
Hey, guy! Doesn’t Melchisedec mean “King of the Righteous”? (Pause) In Hebrew even?
MELCHISEDEC
He bows ironically, then sits down.
RIHA
Keep it up, Federigo and I’ll lose my appetite. This isn’t okay!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Listen, fat guts! Repeat a single word and you won’t have a throat for swallowing.
RIHA
Riha gives Alamanno Tolosini a quizzical look, then turns to the audience and raises his hands.
What’s this word I’m not supposed to repeat? Can someone remind me?
MONNA SIMONETTA
She slaps her forehead, then waves Federigo, Riha and Alamanno off stage.
(Exit FEDERIGO, RIHA and ALAMANNO.)
ACT ONE, SCENE 4
MONNA SIMONETTA
Moving right along …
(Enter DIANORA and LUCIA)
At home—in the Casa Tolosini. Mistress and maid compare notes…
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Oh those nuns! Anymore prayer and fasting and I won’t fit into my new dress.
LUCIA
First there were the almond cookies, then the quince paste, then the apple fritters, then the rice fritters…I can’t remember a thing!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
A noble repast, to be sure.
LUCIA
Noble!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Dianora shudders.
Again, that word!
LUCIA
But the sisters all love Giovanni Barba—even if he is a base-born whelp from nowhere.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Hold your tongue! The master hates women’s gossip.
LUCIA
He doesn’t want to ruin his appetite for men’s gossip. He and his business buddies can outrun any convent of nuns. They’re not cloistered at least!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Well, a patent of nobility isn’t everything! That’s what the sisters say—again and again. I wish they’d stop!
LUCIA
I saw Giovanni yesterday—in the market. Everyone was bowing and scraping. You know what that means!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
She rubs her fingers together.
Lots of money!
LUCIA
And he’s a good-looking guy.
Lucia leers.
Got what it takes!
She pumps her arm.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Dianora makes a sign against the evil eye gives Lucia a stern look.
LUCIA
Not that I would notice! Nor say a word to Oretta! Ever! Ever! Ever!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
What to do?! What to do?! Monna Simonetta will know! She always does.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Monna Simonetta smiles and bows graciously to the audience.
LUCIA
Right in back! Beyond the garden wall! Next house over! Ready and waiting!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
If I don’t show her my new rosary, she’ll never forgive me.
LUCIA
Don’t forget the honey and the nut candy!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
But meanwhile…Oretta…
LUCIA
Not a word!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Not a word!
(Exit DIANORA.)
(Enter ORETTA.)
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Giovanni!
LUCIA
Giovanni? Giovanni who?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Barba!
LUCIA AND ORETTA
Lucia and Oretta both stroke their chins and laugh.
(Exit LUCIA and ORETTA.)
ACT ONE, SCENE 5
MONNA SIMONETTA
Company’s coming! But meanwhile, there’s more strategy afoot—in the lawyer’s house—just a few yards away.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(FEDERIGO walks onto the stage.)
FEDERIGO
Aside to audience.
Enough already! I talk and talk. I spin lies and deceptions. And this guy—he just nods his head! Look, professor, you want a net to fall into? Here it is, ready and waiting!
(Enter AMBROGIO BORDONI, nodding his head.)
AMBROGIO BORDONI
There’s just one thing, signor Federigo—you’ll keep my name out of this business, right?
FEDERIGO
Your name? I forgot it already!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
It would be terrible if anyone suspected me of—well, you know… Especially considering…
FEDERIGO
Considering what?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
You were there! You talked to Messer Alamanno.
FEDERIGO
Yes, I was there. Yes, I talked to Messer Alamanno.
Aside to audience.
And I’ve been laughing myself sick ever since!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Messer Alamanno heard you out—and now what?
FEDERIGO
Giovanni Barba won’t be gazing into Oretta’s eyes anytime soon. Her old man promised me that!
Gesture of dusting off his hands, implying "Job well done!"
And meanwhile, he’s nosing around the guy’s family tree.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
He can nose around all he wants! He won’t turn up a patent of nobility for Giovanni Barba—like mine. Nor a university degree—like mine.
FEDERIGO
Still, you know how hard it is to snag an eligible bachelor these days. One who is well off, but also—you know—presentable.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
You can’t say I’m not well off! A man of substance!
FEDERIGO
Substantial, for sure!
Aside to audience.
But Riha has an ounce or two on you, I’d say.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
And presentable. Don’t forget “presentable”!
FEDERIGO
Who could forget?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I wonder at your tone. You can’t be fully informed of my assets. My holdings. My resources. Have you seen my new villa? Gratia exempli—or id est, as some might say.
FEDERIGO
Where, oh where is this wonderful property—for example?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Up, up in the hills. Above Fiesole. Towards Settignano. In a locality called “La Cucina”.
FEDERIGO
Squire! How can you tear yourself away from that lofty retreat? From that limpid air and sweet repose? Maybe you got tired, dragging your substance up and down all those hills?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
And just beyond, I own a farm at Montesenario.
FEDERIGO
Your lordship! A whole county is yours to command.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Then I possess another farm, out towards Monte Morello.
FEDERIGO
Another farm! You are rich, rich, rich!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I have a thousand scudi in the Mangioni bank.
FEDERIGO
I can believe it!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
And five hundred scudi in the Vannucci operation.
FEDERIGO
Don’t stop now!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Plus all that I earn from my legal practice. You can’t imagine!
FEDERIGO
A lawyer pulls in money? Who needs imagination?
Aside to audience.
Dear God, this is going nowhere fast!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Just don’t use my name in public.
FEDERIGO
I hear you! We need to make everyone swoon over Ambrogio Bordoni’s substance, nobility and university degree—without uttering the magic word, “Ambrogio Bordoni”! Fortunately—for your sake—I have another scheme in the works.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
What scheme, my dearest Federigo?!
FEDERIGO
Can I whisper two words in your ear? “Dirty” and “Trick”.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Dirty? Trick?
FEDERIGO
Close your eyes! Can you see a rich old fart bestowing his only child on some beggar in the street? What if Messer Alamanno thought Giovanni Barba was flat broke? Stripped to his skin? Without a soldo to his name?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Stripped to his what?
FEDERIGO
You can thank Messer Alamanno for that bright idea! Right now, he’s beating the bushes to make Oretta’s dowry, calling in every marker he has. And that Jew Melchisedec owes him big. A thousand scudi for trade goods.
(MELCHISEDEC takes notice, then stands in front of his chair.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
With a portentous voice.
“Not even mentioning the Jews who ruin young people with frauds and swindles of every kind!”
(MELCHISEDEC shrugs his shoulders, then sits back down.)
AMBROGIO BORDONI
So?
FEDERIGO
So the bill is due! That Jew is a friend of mine—andif he wasn’t Jewish, you might almost mistake him for a good little Christian. Melchisedec is always happy to do me a favor, since I send a lot of business his way.
MONNA SIMONETTA
That’s nice!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I can imagine! The usual Jewish fakes and Jewish frauds and Jewish swindles!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Maybe not?!
FEDERIGO
We do what we do—and he is grateful.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
So, now what?
FEDERIGO
So, now I need to talk to Melchisedec, face to face…
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio recoils.
Talk to a Jew?! You?! Him?! In person?!
FEDERIGO
Aside to audience.
I’m not a violent guy…
Federigo addresses Ambrogio.
Yes. I talk to the Jew. I tell him to go to Messer Alamanno. He goes to Messer Alamanno. Messer Alamanno asks him for the thousand scudi.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Messer Alamanno asks the Jew for a thousand scudi? Then—so what?!
FEDERIGO
So who cares? I’m throwing sand in everyone’s face. Shouting “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf” while the wolf escapes.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Oh,I see… Actually, I don’t!
FEDERIGO
All we need is an opening. Any opening. Then I’ll take it from there. But the Jew won’t do anything for the love of God. So, plan on spending some money.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Spend money?!
FEDERIGO
Only if you want to wreck Giovanni‘s engagement. Melchisedec has to repay the thousand scudi sooner or later. But he can always make excuses and invent delays—if you slip him twenty-five scudi.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Twenty-five scudi? You’re joking!
FEDERIGO
Doctor! Professor! Lordship! I bid you good day. You obviously don’t want a wife.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Don’t be hasty, Federigo!
FEDERIGO
And don’t be stingy, Your Excellency!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Won’t ten scudi do the job?
FEDERIGO
Federigo shrugs.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
But twenty-five scudi… I don’t earn that much in a week.
FEDERIGO
Funny how rich you were, only a few minutes ago! Just roll up your sleeves and dive into your law books. You’ll find plenty of cash there.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I’ll get the money! I’ll get the money!
FEDERIGO
And then—believe me—the Jew will take it. But when Melchisedec goes to see Messer Alamanno, he can’t go alone. We need to find another Melchisedec.
(MELCHISEDEC stands up, points to himself and holds up two fingers. Then he listens with amused interest to the following exchanges—reacting as appropriate.)
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Another what?!
FEDERIGO
Someone, anyone, who can pass for a Levantine Jew.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
And then?
FEDERIGO
He tells a lie.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
That’s not much for twenty-five scudi!
FEDERIGO
The Jews arrive. The real one and the fake one. Messer Alamanno hits Melchisedec for his money. Melchisedec turns to his sidekick, “Listen up, oh brother of mine! The fine Christian gentleman wants to be paid! Now, you pay me—so I can pay him.”
AMBROGIO BORDONI
And?
FEDERIGO
Jew number two replies, “Oh, Melchisedec! Behold! I am hot on the trail of an infamous bankrupt. Lo, he cut and ran from Ancona, owing me ten thousand scudi. I’ll pay you, the instant he pays me. Guy’s name?"
Federigo strikes a dramatic pose.
"Giovanni Barba!”
MELCHISEDEC
He mimes Federigo’s Melchisedec speech in synch, mirroring his gestures.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I get the picture!
FEDERIGO
Now, picture Oretta’s old man turning purple. Picture him clutching his chest. Picture him calling off the marriage.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
But what happens later, when he learns the truth?
FEDERIGO
By the time Messer Alamanno stops clutching his chest, the second Jew will have disappeared. How difficult can that be? He wasn’t a Jew to begin with!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Beautiful! Awork of art! Oretta is already in my arms.
FEDERIGO
She’s not there yet! First, we have to find a fake Levantine. And—of course—the pay-off for Melchisedec.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I’ll take care of the money! But when it comes to Turkish Hebrews and Hebrew Turks…
He shrugs helplessly.
FEDERIGO
Don’t worry! Florence is full of people who are more like Jews than Christians. Let’s try those hole-in-the-wall taverns where charlatans and hucksters and buskers hang out… But wait! This is Carnival! Just walk out the door and we’ll trip over masqueraders of every size, shape and color. We might even stumble on a real Levantine Jew! Wouldn’t that be nice?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Oh my dearest Federigo! You’re a prince among men!
FEDERIGO
And a man among princes! But now, I need to track down Melchisedec.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Where do you start?
FEDERIGO
Right there in the Customs House, where all the rascals and con men hang out! Melchisedec always has a deal in the works. But now, you need to lay your hands on twenty-five scudi.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Say what?
FEDERIGO
Say “twenty-five scudi”! You give them to me. I give them to Melchisedec.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Um, yes…
MELCHISEDEC
He holds up one hand and rubs his fingers together (“money!”). then sits down.
FEDERIGO
Right! I’m off—and you’re off!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
But twenty-five scudi?
FEDERIGO
Twenty-five scudi.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Oh, Lord! What a price we pay, when we fall in love with other men’s daughters!
(Exit AMBROGIO and FEDERIGO.)
ACT ONE, SCENE 6
MONNA SIMONETTA
Other men’s daughters? Sometimes they have ideas of their own!
(Enter ORETTA and LUCIA.)
And now, back at the Tolosini home.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, Lucia!
LUCIA
Oh, Oretta!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
I...oh...I just don’t know!
LUCIA
You haven’t been yourself—for a while now!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Who am I supposed to be anyway? Things are so…unsettled!
LUCIA
Unsettled?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
And I have…feelings!
LUCIA
Feelings?
Lucia nods sympathetically, then winks at the audience.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Isew, I weave, I embroider. I say my rosary. I help in the kitchen. I look out the window.
LUCIA
You look out the window?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Only when no one is around to see. I walk in the garden. But it’s a small garden.
LUCIA
Thinking chaste and holy thoughts.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Most of the time.
ORETTA AND LUCIA
Their eyes meet.
LUCIA
Contemplating the honor of your family! Your duty to your revered parents!
ORETTA AND LUCIA
Their eyes meet again.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
But things are so unsettled! When I enter the salone, my parents—the revered ones—stop talking. When I venture into the kitchen, the servants grin and look away. When I visit Monna Simonetta—such a good soul!—she sighs like I’ve already died and gone to heaven.
LUCIA
That comes later. Sighing and going to heaven! After you’re married.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, Lucia! Married! What are you saying? When will that be?
LUCIA
Soon! Soon!
She glances toward the audience.
Maybe… Whenever…
ORETTA TOLOSINI
But Giovanni… I’ve never seen his face! He hasn't sent me a poem or a gift! haven't heard a single work from his lips!! Not even talking to my father in the next room...
LUCIA
I haven’t seen Giovanni either! Or at least, he didn’t see me. I had to sneak up on him in the market in order to hear his deep manly voice.
ORETTATO LOSINI
Oh, Lucia! You’re a woman of the world! I wish I was a servant too. Then I could go everywhere and do everything!
LUCIA
Lucia rolls her eyes.
He was buying artichokes.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Artichokes!
LUCIA
Yes, artichokes! People buy artichokes.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh!
LUCIA
Oh?!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Yes, oh!!!
ORETTA AND LUCIA
Oretta pauses and they make eye contact.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
You know that jacket of mine? The yellow one?
LUCIA
With the neck scarf and matching sash?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Just your size, don’t you think?
LUCIA
Girlfriend!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Girlfriend! We need to talk.
(Exit ORETTA and LUCIA)
ACT ONE, SCENE 7
MONNA SIMONETTA
Meanwhile, just a few blocks away. Giovanni and Girolamo on Florence’s famed Ponte Vecchio—Old Bridge—in front of a jeweler’s shop.
A loud clap with the clapperboard
(Enter GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO)
GIOVANNI BARBA
All these foils and settings! Pendants and dangling charms! I’ll never understand Florentine style.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
A necklace! Keep it simple! You can’t go wrong with a good string of pearls.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Thank God you’re here! I might as well be a foreigner. How can I tell yesterday’s fads from today’s, let alone tomorrow’s?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Don’t bother! Quality is all that counts. With your money, you can sit back and watch the fashions come and go.
GIOVANNI BARBA
So, pearls—the more the merrier. And big ones too! But then—what?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Well, you’ve always loved Oretta.
GIOVANNI BARBA
It's been a week—at least!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
So what are you waiting for?
GIOVANNI BARBA
Oh?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Just let those women get hold of the story! Aunts, great-aunts, sisters, nieces, cousins...
GIOVANNI BARBA
Not to mention the nieces’ neighbors and the neighbors’ nieces and everyone’s god-mother too!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Then someone will run to the nuns—you can count on it! That’s quicker and cheaper than the town crier.
GIOVANNI BARBA
But if all else fails, can’t I just go and tell Oretta myself?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
No way! Here in Florence, maidens of her fortune and quality are locked up tighter than a jeweler’s shop.
(Enter RIHA.)
RIHA
Alack! Alas! Woe is me!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Haven’t I seen him before?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He’s hard to miss! Your daddy-in-law’s right-hand man.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Or something!
RIHA
Oh, I rue the day I left Skinny Valley, my ancestral home! But the metropolis beckoned. Bright lights and big meals! Here I could eat seven times a day. Fourteen, God willing!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Mock surprise.
That’s not even once an hour!
RIHA
But so much for childish dreams! The mistress keeps me running from convent to convent and nun to nun. Take this to Sister Fagostina! Get that from Sister Ampollina! Then—whatever it is—they pass it through the hatch and don’t even offer me a drink!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Ho! My good man!
RIHA
Ho, yourself!
GIOVANNI BARBA
A word, if you please.
RIHA
Make it a short one! I don’t have long to live. It’s mid-morning and I haven’t eaten a thing.
He turns to the audience.
Unless you count two loaves of bread, a couple of hams, a few dozen sausages and a tiny roast pig. You could barely see it on the plate! And wine? You call that a pitcher of wine?!
GIOVANNI BARBA
No?
RIHA
No!
Aside to audience.
That guy! Giovanni Barba!
Strokes his chin.
He spends half the day out in the street staring up at Oretta’s window.
He turns to Girolamo and Giovanni.
And lunch? Not a hope! My master is holding down a bench in the usual tavern with his merchant friends. My mistress is stuffing her face with convent goodies—against her will, of course, for fear of offending the nuns.
GIOVANNIBARBA
Meanwhile, back home…
RIHA
Don’t ask! Everything is at sixes and sevens. Or is that sevens and eights? People are yelling and screaming! People are running in and out. They don’t even bother to lock the front door.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He reacts.
Lock?
GIOVANNI BARBA
He reacts.
The front door?
GIOVANNI ANDGIROLAMO
Giovanni and Girolamo exchange looks.
RIHA
Then there’s Lucia! "Lady's maid", she calls herself! Too good for the likes of me! They’re giggling one minute and weeping the next! “Giovanni! Giovanni! Giovanni!” is all I hear!
GIOVANNI AND GIROLAMO
They react together.
Giovanni!!!
Giovanni points to himself.
RIHA
And plates of food, uneaten—uneaten!—pile up outside the door.
Riha shakes his head.
I’ll never understand these modern ways.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Nor I!
Giovanni holds up a coin.
O tempora! O mores! Even these shiny gold scudi are not what they used to be.
(Exit RIHA, GIOVANNI AND GIROLAMO)
ACT ONE, SCENE 8
MONNA SIMONETTA
A haphazard clap with the clapperboard.
A scant clap for a very short scene. The marriage broker has been busy—doing what marriage brokers do. Federigo!
(Enter Federigo)
FEDERIGO
Ah, tradition, tradition! Generations of ancestors would turn in their graves if I didn’t divert the water to my own mill! That’s the beginning and the end of all Florentine wisdom.
MELCHISEDEC
Melchisedec stands, then nods in agreement. He remains standing.
FEDERIGO
What a delightful meeting of the minds! Melchisedec and I! My old friend in the ghetto! For a mere ten scudi, the Jew will play our little scene with Messer Alamanno while I pocket the other fifteen.
MELCHISEDEC
Melchisedec does the “one-eyed” (ie. shrewd) gesture (pullling down the corner of one eye). He grins.
FEDERIGO
Still, we need someone to play the second Jew.
He raises his hands to the heavens.
Not to worry! I’m a man of faith! God will provide.
ACT ONE, SCENE 9
MONNA SIMONETTA
It's time for God to get busy! Federigo returns to Casa Bordoni and an anxious Messer Ambrogio.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(Enter AMBROGIO)
AMBROGIO BORDONI
You’re back, Federigo! I’m going out of my mind. What have you got to tell me?
FEDERIGO
Whatever you want to hear, Professor!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
That little task…?
FEDERIGO
Mission accomplished!
He shrugs.
Mostly…
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Mostly?
FEDERIGO
We’re missing a piece of the tail, that’s all.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
The tail? Whose tail?
FEDERIGO
The tail of the Levantine Jew.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
He scratches his head.
I’ve seen plenty of Jews over the years. Not to mention Christians who might as well be Jews. But I can’t say that I noticed tails on any of them.
MELCHISEDEC
Still standing in front of his chair, he mimes “Whatever?!”
FEDERIGO
I wax metaphorical. The appendage that Melchisedec drags behind him.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Oh???
FEDERIGO
Levantine Number Two—bringing up the rear. Melchisedec will read any script we give him for 25 scudi.
Federigo winks.
MELCHISEDEC
Melchisedec, still standing in front of his chair, winks back at Federigo. Then he grins at the auduience.
FEDERIGO
That's the good news! The bad news is that I can’t find anyone to play Jew’s Best Friend.
He mimes exhaustion.
God knows! I auditioned every con artist, lay-about and snake-oil salesman in town.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
So, now what?
FEDERIGO
I’d love to play a Hebrew Turk, but it’s too much of a stretch. One of our homegrown Florentine Jews? I might manage that!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Oh, please!
FEDERIGO
But, hey! What about you? You’re Jewish enough for anyone!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
You think?
FEDERIGO
Well, you’re put together in just the right way. And when it comes to lumbering around in a long robe, you’ve had plenty of practice. Just pop something on your head…
He tilts his head to the side and squints at Ambrogio.
A turban! I see a turban! And a handful of whiskers on your chin! Then...
He dusts off his hands
...you’re good to go!.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Well, you know...
He clasps his hands and smiles fondly.
...I remember back in school We used to put on little plays—comedies, mostly. They always wanted me for the romantic lead.
He nods at Federigo.
You should have heard everyone laugh!
FEDERIGO
I’m laughing already.
AMBROGIOBORDONI
But how do I convince Melchisedec? That guy doesn’t trust anyone.
MELCHISEDEC
He shakes his head in agreement.
FEDERIGO
No problem! You just need to learn a few words in that language of theirs.
MELCHISEDEC
He turns and stares at Ambrogio and Federigo.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Oh?
FEDERIGO
These Jews are all Greek—from Constantinople, you know. You can pick up all the Greek you want from any grecaiolo. Just ask for a cup of greco wine and listen in.
MONNA SIMONETTA
She addresses the audience (Federigo and Ambrogio take no notice of her interruption).
Stop! That pun is bad enough to be Shakespeare! Greco–or“Greek”, a popular white wine—was sold by grecaioli on every corner. But the grecaioli spoke townie Florentine and greco was only a kind of grape. The Levantines—meanwhile—came from the Ottoman Empire, making them“Byzantine” or “Greek” by a very long stretch.
MELCHISEDEC
He nods in bemused agreement.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Now, Federigo, you’re the one who’s making me laugh—with your Jews and Greeks and greco wine!
FEDERIGO
What could possibly go wrong—with a quick thinker, like you?!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
But where are we going to get my outfit?
FEDERIGO
From the Jews, of course! They have every rag and scrap you can possibly imagine, right there in those ghetto shops.
He slouches over, rubs his hands together and puts on an accent.
Robe you want? Robe I got! Special price for you!
He makes an oriental bow.
Turban? What’s your size?
MELCHISEDEC
Melchisedec mimics him.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
But what if someone recognizes me?
FEDERIGO
Who’s going to recognize you, anyway—once you stick ona beard? Just make sure it’s plenty long and a different color than your hair. But don’t worry! I’ll be right there, to dress you up and add the finishing touches.
Aside to audience.
I wouldn’t miss it for the world!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Bless you, Federigo!
FEDERIGO
He responds with a gesture of benediction.
And now, professor, it’s time to stow your law books! We’ve got a busy day!
MONNA SIMONETTA
To the audience.
Not to mention a busy second act! But now, I’m ready for a fifteen minute break! How about you?
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT TWO
MONNA SIMONETTA
Welcome back to our favorite street—fifteen minutes later. You didn’t miss a thing! Riha…
(Enter RIHA, swinging his arms energetically.)
...is on patrol outside the Casa Tolosini.
Monna Simonetta waves to Riha.
RIHA
He smiles and waves back.
MONNA SIMONETTA
A loud clap with the clapperboard
ACT TWO, SCENE 1
RIHA
To audience.
These lovers! They’re like dogs running around a table laden with food! You chase them away with a stick and they come rushing back!
(Enter GIROLAMO)
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Stand here! Watch the front door—ready to help Giovanni, if he comes running out.
RIHA
Okay, boss!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Then I’ll go hide in the garden and watch the back.
RIHA
Whatever you say!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He’s a great guy, Giovanni. But sometimes he loses his head.
RIHA
Hot under the collar, huh?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Other places too!
(Enter LUCIA)
RIHA
Lucia! Where are you going?
LUCIA
To the apothecary! We used up all the smelling salts in the house.
(LUCIA waves, then exits.)
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Strange!
RIHA
Strange?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Inside the house? I haven’t heard a sound!
RIHA
What do you want to hear? Beautiful music? Billing and cooing?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Say what?!
RIHA
Oretta fainted dead away. That's what Lucia says!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
And?
RIHA
Nobody else is home. Unless you count Giovanni, of course!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
But Messer Alamanno? Monna Dianora?
RIHA
He mimes "busyness".
Out and about.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
And the servants?
RIHA
He bows.
At your beck and call!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
But Oretta and Giovanni? Alll alone! This isn’t happening!
RIHA
Riha shrugs his shoulders.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
No!
RIHA
Riha shrugs his shoulders again.
Yes!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Dear God! That I should live to see this day! Oh vile seducer! Oh pitiful seduced!
RIHA
They’re young! They’re in love! What did you expect?
GIROLAMOAMIERI
A little drama—since you ask! A bit of romance. A few laughs.
RIHA
Yeah! That happens on stage all the time!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Guy breaks in! Dad goes berserk! Mom prays to heaven! Daughter swoons!
RIHA
Well, she got that right!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Then...
He brushes off his hands.
That's that! They pull out the fancy glasses and the best wine. Send for the dress-maker! Send for the priest! Order garlands and pastries! Musicians too...
RIHA
But now...
He clutches his heart.
... the bride is damaged goods!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Girolamo moves to strangle Riha.
RIHA
Stretched out on the floor! Dead to the world! While your buddy looks on...
GIROLAMO AMIERI
We need to drag Giovanni out of there! Sooner than soon! Before things get worse...
RIHA
Stares at him in wonder.
Worse?!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Then it never happened!
RIHA
Never happened?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Never happened!
RIHA
I don’t remember a thing!
(Exit RIHA and GIROLAMO.)
(Enter FEDERIGO and MELCHISEDEC.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 2
MONNA SIMONETTA
You can't say that I don't take you to exotic places! Here we are in Melchisedec’s home in the Ghetto. With Federigo, the matchmaker, no less.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
FEDERIGO
Bravo, Melchisedec! Bravissimo! You’re putting on one hell of a show! Wherever I turn, I see you cruising by—with our lawyer friend in Hebrew drag.
(AMBROGIO BORDONI, standing in front of his chair, turns his lawyer’s hat inside out, transforming it into a turban with a Jewish star. If it looks ridiculous, that’s fine!)
MELCHISEDEC
Talking about shows, let’s hear it for Messer Alamanno! That old guy read his lines right on cue.
FEDERIGO
Who can forget? He flipped from smugness to shock to desperation in the blink of an eye. I nearly called for an encore!
MELCHISEDEC
And what about your humble servant? How often do you see Melchisedec batting his eyelashes at a creditor, begging the guy to dun him for money?
FEDERIGO
You earned my eternal thanks.
MELCHISEDEC
I also earned ten scudi.
Melchisedec holds up ten fingers—or five fingers twice—then winks.
I look forward to thanking you—as soon as you hand them over.
FEDERIGO
Not to worry! Meanwhile, Ambrogio Bordoni is throwing money around like it was burning his fingers. When people lose their minds, fortune smiles.
MELCHISEDEC
We’re all smiling! I didn’t know where to look when Bordoni's beard fell off! If Messer Alamanno hadn’t turned away—at that very moment—gasping and sputtering...
FEDERIGO
Then the professor cut loose—waving his arms, rolling his eyes, speaking in tongues. Hebrew, was it? Latin? Turkish?
MELCHISEDEC
Maybe Greek?
FEDERIGO
Maybe Greek. I had to hit him over the head to shut him up! But now, we’re home free—unless someone catches on.
MELCHISEDEC
Who’s going to catch on? When it comes to Jews, no one in Florence has half a clue—from the East, from the West or from any place else. And lest we forget, the guy is scheduled to vanish in a puff of smoke...
Dramatic pause. He gestures hocus-pocus magic.
Any second now!
FEDERIGO
So, that’s alright!
MELCHISEDEC
What's the worst? Something goes wrong, I just run to old man Tolosini and act confused.
He hunches over, waves his hands and puts on an accent.
“A thousand sorries, my lord! Who knew? Who knew?”
FEDERIGO
He mimics Melchisedec's mannerisms and accent.
Ain’t nobody can fathom these Oriental types!
He snaps back into his own character.
Now, I need to check in with Doctor Ambrogio. He’s hiding out in my garden house. That’s where I dressed him up. And that’s where he’s changing back...
He shrugs his shoulders.
...into whatever he was before.
MELCHISEDEC
Just keep him out of sight—and away from Messer Alamanno. No one is as stupid as we like to think.
FEDERIGO
Will do!
MELCHISEDEC
So, distinguished sir...
Melchisedec bows with an absurd flourish and Federigo bows back.
...I count the minutes until I can serve you again. Wherever and whenever!
FEDERIGO
Wherever and whenever!
(Exit MELCHISEDEC)
Now, there’s just time for a last peek at the professor! How often do I get to see a jackass riding on horseback?
(Exit FEDERIGO)
ACT TWO, SCENE 3
MONNA SIMONETTA
Riha, meanwhile, is right where we left him—guarding the Casa Tolosini.
(Enter RIHA.)
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
RIHA
The cat raids the kitchen and leaves footprints in the lard.
He makes a "cats's paws" gesture with his hands.
That’s bad enough! But what if the cat stretches out on the table and refuses to leave?
MONNA SIMONETTA
Loud male voices erupt from an upper window. Girolamo leans out, then Giovanni.
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO both stand in front of their chairs.)
GIROLAMO AMIERI
It’s no good, Riha! The guy won’t move!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Oretta! Oretta! Oretta!
He looks to the heavens and raises his hands in desperation.
She’s as good as dead and it’s all my fault!
He swivels around frenetically.
Abandon her? Abandon her! What kind of beast do you think I am?!
RIHA
Here comes Messer Alamanno! He’s got some thoughts on that, I bet.
(Enter ALAMANNO TOLOSINI)
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO sit down hastily.)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
My head is spinning!
He gestures "spinning" with one hand.
A few more seconds and we were over the cliff! I see a yawning chasm below!
He peers into the chasm and shudders.
My honor! My family! My daughter! My fortune! All sacrificed to a marauding vandal! A vile seducer of virgins! A plausible rogue named...
With a gesture of cosmic incomprehension, he lowers the register of his voice ominously.
...who knows what?!
RIHA
Master! Top of the morning—or is it afternoon? Fine weather for this time of year!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Not now, Riha! Not now!
RIHA
It’s time to whistle a merry tune!
He whistles a few notes—or else tries to whistle and fails, then shrugs his shoulders.
I’m the messenger who brings good news!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Well, that makes a change!
RIHA
Ring the bells! Let joy be unconfined!
He strikes a jubilant pose.
Hark! Giovanni Barba comes to plight his troth!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
When Gehenna freezes over!
RIHA
…to your (with emphasis) more or less chaste daughter!
RIHA
Riha gestures to a notional door.
(Exit ALAMANNO, running frantically off stage.)
(Exit RIHA, smiling and waving nonchalantly.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 4
MONNA SIMONETTA
Same place, one minute later.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(Enter DIANORA and LUCIA.)
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Why this sudden need for smelling salts?
LUCIA
Oh...well...you just never know!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
I walk out the convent door. Then—lo and behold—there you are! I could never manage all this on my own.
LUCIA
Honey cakes.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Cherry jam.
LUCIA
Sugared almonds.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Crispy waffles.
LUCIA
Straight from the oven.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
And a load of great news too! Monna Simonetta was visiting her cousin's niece.
MONNA SIMONETTA
She nods or bows.
LUCIA
Monna Simonetta!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Such a good soul—and right next door! She knows everyone here in Florence.
LUCIA
And everyone’s business—for the last five hundred years!
MONNA SIMONETTA
She shrugs her shoulders.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Giovanni Barba’s grandmother was her great-aunt’s dearest friend.
LUCIA
Such a fine family!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
And so rich! But alas, everyone kept dying. Leaving all that money to a single heir.
LUCIA
Giovanni Barba!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Then off he went off to Ancona! Everything he touched turned to gold.
LUCIA
And so generous!
Lucia winks and rubs her fingers together.
(RIHA sneaks onto the stage.)
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Dianora notices Riha on the edge of the scene.
Riha, what are you doing—out here in the street? You’re not at home working! But then, you’re not eating either?
RIHA
Oh, everything’s at sixes and sevens! Or is that sevens and eights?
LUCIA
She waves her hands and rolls her eyes—sarcastically.
No?!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
She clutches her breast in genuine alarm.
No!
RIHA
Giovanni is upstairs. In Oretta’s bedroom. She fainted in his arms.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Terrific!
LUCIA
Great!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Better!
LUCIA
Best!
RIHA
Just what I told the master!
(Exit RIHA)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Mother and maid go running into the house. At that very moment,Giovanni and Girolamo climb out the window and escape.
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO stand in front of their chairs. They wave “goodby” and mime running in place.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
One…Two…Three…Four…Let’s count to ten while the guys vanish!
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO both sit down.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Now we run upstairs! Let's view the wreckage!
ACT TWO, SCENE 5
MONNA SIMONETTA
Imagine a barred bedroom door. Imagine Oretta and Lucia—mistress and maid—on one side. Imagine Alamanno and Dianora—father and mother—on the other.
(Enter ORETTA and LUCIA, then ALAMANNO and DIANORA. They face each other—two by two—across a virtual divide, implying the closed door.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Cut the laces of her bodice! Loosen her stays!
LUCIA
Done and done!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Then unbar the door! Let me in, so I can kill her!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Alamanno! Just listen...
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
She shrugs her shoulders, then cozies up to him.
Alamancino! Darling! Just listen …
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
What part of “shut up!” didn’t you understand?
DIANORA TOLOSINI
She casts an imploring glance.
You’re the wisest man in the world! You know…almost...well...
She hesitates.
...almost ...everything.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He interrupts.
What I know is too much already!
He clasps his hands and looks heavenward.
Thank God for the one and the other one—Melchisedec and his wacko Jewish friend.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
But...but...Giovanni…
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He interrupts.
I’ll chop him into pieces! I’ll feed him to the dogs!
He glares fiercely
And that’s only the start!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
…Barba.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, Giovanni Barba! Light of my life!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Giovanni! Giovanni! Giovanni! Barba! Barba! Barba! Whatever you call him, he’s still a baseborn whelp from nowhere! And a fugitive bankrupt to boot!
He pounds his fists on the imaginary door.
Oretta, open the door!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Monna Simonetta…
MONNA SIMONETTA
She turns to listen and smiles.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
That interfering bitch! When Eve gave Adam the apple, she was right there! Picked it herself, straight off the tree!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
And the mother superior…such a good soul…
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
God spare me women and their souls! Why didn’t he give them brains instead?
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Alamanno!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Shut your face! Listen to reason! For once in your life...
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, Giovanni! My hero! Save me! Save me! Save me!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Save you from what? What’s left to save? Now unbar the door, so I can come in and kill you!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Kill me? Why bother? I’m already dead!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Wait till I finish! Then you’ll know from dead!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Never! Never! Never!
LUCIA
Master! I think she means it.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Two can play this game!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Alamanno pulls an imaginary key out of his pocket and holds it up for the audience to see.
Slut! Whore! Damaged goods!
He emits a crazed laugh.
You can’t lock me out! I’m locking you in!
He mimes locking the door.
(Exit ALAMANNO with DIANORA running behind.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 6
MONNA SIMONETTA
She holds up the clapperboard and shrugs her shoulders.
Sorry, no clap! It's still the same time and the same place.
She gestures toward Oretta and Lucia.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, Lucia!
LUCIA
Oh, Oretta!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Daddy loves me! He wouldn’t act so crazy if he didn’t!
LUCIA
So, now...what?!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
You tell me! You’re a woman of the world.
LUCIA
Well, speaking as a woman of the world…
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Yes?
LUCIA
It’s time for Giovanni to unscramble the eggs.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, I see!
Oretta pauses.
No, actually I don’t!
LUCIA
He went where no man—except your husband—should go! He outraged your maidenly modesty!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh, woe is me! He outraged my…what?
A long pause.
Except…well…he didn’t! I don’t think so, at least?
She shakes her head.
I was busy fainting, you know.
LUCIA
He made you an outcast among decent folk!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
My life is over!
LUCIA
She looks up and smiles.
But, hey! It’s not the worst thing in the world!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
No?!
LUCIA
Giovanni knows the truth! You know the truth! So all he has to do is marry you.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
She clasps her hands.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
LUCIA
Marriage would be so easy, if men didn’t get in the way! First, there are fathers, then there are husbands and—before you know it—sons too.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Let’s start with fathers!
Pause.
One father, anyway.
LUCIA
Alamanno...oh? Forget about him!
She dismisses Lucia's father with an airy wave.
It’s Giovanni you’re marrying, right?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
With God as my witness! If I live to see that day!
(Exit ORETTA and LUCIA)
ACT TWO, SCENE 7
MONNA SIMONETTA
Now, in another corner of the Tolosini home—Messer Alamanno.
(Enter ALAMANNO TOLOSINI)
Loving father? Maybe...
She shrugs her shoulders and purses her lips.
Man of action? For sure!
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Marriage would be so easy, if women didn’t get in the way! Husband? Wife? Groom? Bride?
He counts them off on his fingers.
It’s like mounting a horse, really! You jump on the first nag that passes or you jump on the next!
Index finger in the air, making a point.
Thank God for Melchisedec! Thank God for the other one too! Oretta is home safe—under lock and key. And Dianora is off complaining to the nuns—better them than me! Now, I need to find Federigo. He’ll know what to do!
He brushes off his hands, job done!
Giovanni? Giovanni who? None of this ever happened! It’s time to move on!
(Exit ALAMANNO)
ACT TWO, SCENE 8
MONNA SIMONETTA
Now—back on the street—in front of the Casa Tolosini.
She shades her eyes with a hand and looks around.
Speak of the devil! Federigo the matchmaker! With Ambrogio the lawyer, running behind.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(Enter AMBROGIO and FEDERIGO.)
AMBROGIO BORDONI
A fortiori! A priori! A postiori!
FEDERIGO
Snap out of it, guy! And while you’re at it, do something about your hat!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio removes his Jewish turban, reshapes it into a lawyer’s hat and puts it back on his head.
FEDERIGO
Well, we sent Giovanni Barba packing! Now it’s time to lay our hands on the Tolosini—daughter and dowry.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
A vincula matrimonii!
FEDERIGO
Shut up! I'll do the talking!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Souvlaki! Moussaka! Baklava!
FEDERIGO
He glares at Ambrogio.
Close your mouth! Look soulful! Overcome with love!
He shakes his head doubtfully.
An artistic stretch, I know…
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Hava! Naghila! Hava!
FEDERIGO
Tacet, already! Tacet!
He turns to the audience.
That’s Latin for “shut your trap”!
He knocks softly on the door – waits, then knocks again loudly.
(LUCIA and ORETTA stand in front of their chairs—and remain standing.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
She shades her eyes with one hand and points with the other.
Oh, there's Lucia leaning out of the second-story window! Oh, there's Oretta hiding behind the shutter!
(LUCIA strikes an active pose. ORETTA hides her face behind her script.)
LUCIA
Nobody’s home! I’m not even here myself!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Salve, my good woman! Kahleemera! Shalom!
LUCIA
How’s tricks, boss?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Who—oh who—is that?!
LUCIA
Don’t ask!
She shakes her head.
That lawyer guy from next door!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
My skin is crawling!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
He bows and flourishes his lawyer's hat.
Lo, I present myself in propria persona, as party of the first part...
FEDERIGO
I’m sewing as fast as I can and you keep ripping out the stitches!
He shakes his fist at Ambrogio.
Get a grip, you fool!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Now, run along and fetch the parties of the second part, third part and fourth part!
A rhetorical pause. He raises his hand in the air, then counts off the items on his fingers.
To wit...The master of the house! The mistress of the house! And the little lady who is marrying me!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Yikes!
LUCIA
And then some!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Lucia slams the shutters.
(LUCIA and ORETTA sit down heavily.)
(Enter ALAMANNO—with FEDERIGO and AMBROGIO still onstage.)
At that moment, Alamanno Tolosini returns home...
Monna Smonetta waves to him.
...hot, tired and out of breath.
Monna Simonetta points upward—to a place just overhead.
The shutters reopen. Just a crack! Imagine Oretta and Lucia peering out—and listening in.
(ORETTA and LUCIA both stand up, faces half-hidden behind their scripts.)
FEDERIGO
My lord!
AMBROGIO
If it pleases the court...
Federigo gives Ambrogio a hard look.
(AMBROGIO sits down hastily.)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Federigo! I was looking for you everywhere! We need to talk!
FEDERIGO
He bows to Alamanno.
Your wish is my command!
He turns to the audience and pumps his fist in the air.
(FEDERIGO and ALAMANNO sit down.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
In only sixty seconds, you can die a thousand deaths. If you don’t believe me, ask the girls!
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
ACT TWO, SCENE 9
(LUCIA and ORETTA, already standing, take the stage.)
LUCIA
You heard that?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
If I gouged out my ears, I’d be hearing it still!
She gesticulates wildly.
Me and that one? That one and me? Forever and ever? No! No! No!
LUCIA
Thoughtfully, considering the problem.
So, then…
ORETTA TOLOSINI
She gives Lucia an imploring glance.
Yes...???
LUCIA
We need a real man to get us out of this!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Giovanni!
LUCIA
He’ll do!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
We only met once…
LUCIA
The earth moved! But that was hours ago. Where is Giovanni now?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
In my heart! Forever!
LUCIA
So, sit down! Write a letter! Address it “To Giovanni Barba, in care of Oretta’s Heart”! But don’t worry! Riha will find him...wherever he is.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Oh! Oh! Oh! Am I reduced to this? Sending secret letters to strange men!
LUCIA
You want to marry an even stranger one?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
No! No! No! A thousand times, no!
LUCIA
So, here’s the paper! Here's the pen! Where’s the ink?
ORETTA TOLOSINI
She casts her eyes upward, seeking inspiration. Then she mimes writing.
“Oh, light of my life! I take pen in hand…”
A tense pause.
I can’t think!
LUCIA
Leave your muse out of it! Just stick to the facts.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
“Dearest Giovanni, my lord and father had a senile fit.”
LUCIA
“There’s not a minute to waste. Help! Help! Help!”
MONNA SIMONETTA
Lucia leans out the window.
LUCIA
Riha! Riha! Riha! Wherefore art thou, Riha?
(RIHA enters.)
RIHA
Marrying Ambrogio isn’t the worst thing in the world! You only have to move next door.
LUCIA
Take this letter! Take this coin! What is Ambrogio paying you? We’ll give you twice as much. Then Giovanni will double that! Gold? Silver? Roast partridges? Florence is yours!
(RIHA smiles, waves and exits.)
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Move next door? Dear God!
LUCIA
Old fat guts there...
She shakes her head.
He’s a very wise man!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
What?
LUCIA
We’re getting out of this place—fast!
She gestures offstage.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
What—oh, what—will people say, if I set foot in a public street?! On my own? Without a mother, aunt or godmother in sight?
LUCIA
Don't worry! They’re saying it already! “Damaged goods” and the rest.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
But where—oh, where—will I go?!
LUCIA
That’s the easy part! Window to terrace to roof to window.
She gestures from place to place.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Sudden revelation.
Out the back way and over to Monna Simonetta’s!
MONNA SIMONETTA
She reacts with surprise—then smiles and extends her arms in welcome.
LUCIA
She’s your godmother, after all. And your dainty little shoe won’t even touch the cobbles.
ORETTA TOLOSINI
Then my revered father will have time to think. Before…before…
She shudders in horror.
...oh, Lucia. Lucia!
LUCIA
Oh, Oretta!
ORETTA TOLOSINI
But what if someone hears us, crawling over the tiles?
LUCIA
They’ll think we’re cats. And that’s just fine!
(LUCIA and ORETTA exit.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
So, they’re off and we’re off!
She gestures offstage.
To the Casa Amieri—right next door!
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
Hello, Giovanni! Hello, Girolamo!
She waves to them.
ACT TWO, SCENE 10
(Enter GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO)
GIOVANNI BARBA
He mimes coming to a sudden stop, then wipes sweat off his brow.
God of mercy and all his saints! That was a close call!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He replicates Giovanni’s forehead wiping.
I thought you were done for!
Five frenetic hand gestures in diferent directions.
Fraud! Impersonation! False pretenses! Raping virgins! And worse!
GIOVANNI BARBA
That thug of a constable…
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He was marching you off to the Bargello prison. And then...
He shivers.
I shudder to think!
GIOVANNI BARBA
But with a knife in my hand and only a drawstring holding up the guy’s britches…
He broadly mimes a knife slash.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Not a pretty sight!
GIOVANNI BARBA
But now...what?
He shakes his head, then looks around in disbelief.
Well, we can’t stay here!
He shakes his head again.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Confidingly.
Listen, guy! Is any of this making sense to you?
GIOVANNI BARBA
Not even a little!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Let’s begin at the beginning...
GIOVANNI BARBA
He puts a hand over his eyes, gazing far away.
Going all the way back to this morning, you mean?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He knocks on the side of his own head.
Who can remember?
GIOVANNI BARBA
I was the apple of Messer Alamanno’s eye! Oretta was counting the minutes!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
But then...?!?!?!
A massive shrug of shoulders.
GIOVANNI BARBA
He strikes a pensive pose.
I’m not a philosopher…
GIROLAMOAMIERI
No!
GIOVANNI BARBA
He strikes a pensive pose.
But something—somewhere—is seriously screwed up!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Thus sayeth wise men throughout the ages!
(Enter RIHA)
RIHA
Broad gesture of triumph.
I’m the messenger who brings good news!
GIOVANNI BARBA
And what, pray tell…
RIHA
You and Oretta! Oretta and you! Two hearts that beat as one!
Dramatic pause.
She sent you a love letter!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Oh?!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
So, where is it?
RIHA
That’s the best part! Messer Alamanno caught me leaving the house. Then he snatched the letter out of my hand!
He mimes snatching.
Then he went crazy!
He mimes craziness.
Then he started reading it out loud to everyone in the street!
He gestures to an imagined crowd of people in the street.
Then he sent for the cops!
He stops and shrugs his shoulders.
But they couldn’t come. They were too busy chasing you!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Any more good news? While you’re at it?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
We can never have too much of that!
RIHA
He nods in the affirmative and smiles.
Oretta is going to marry Ambrogio Bordoni. And as soon as the police catch you, they’ll hang you by the neck.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Giovanni makes a sudden threatening move.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Freeze, Giovanni! Right there!
GIOVANNI BARBA
The man’s a fool!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
All the better! Fools don’t have brains…
GIOVANNI BARBA
…but they have eyes and ears!
RIHA
He mimes desolation.
Messer Alamanno sent me packing!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
So...
He exchanges a glance with Giovanni.
You now work for us!
RIHA
Until Messer Alamanno forgets that he fired me. It happens all the time!
GIROLAMOAMIERI
As a token of our admiration and esteem. ..
Girolamo holds out a coin.
RIHA
A gold scudo!
GIOVANNI BARBA
So, start telling!
He jabs a finger in the direction of Riha.
Alamanno Tolosini? Ambrogio Bordoni? What’s the deal? I’m ten times richer than Ambrogio Bordoni.
He shakes his head in wonder
And he’s Ambrogio Bordoni—for crying out loud!
RIHA
Hey!
He points at Giovanni and Girolamo—who scratch their heads and shrug their shcoulders..
Alamanno? Ambrogio? Why are we talking about them?
GIOVANNI BARBA
Because…
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Shut up! Let him speak!
RIHA
It’s all Federigo and Melchisedec!
He does hasty imitations of those two characters manipulating puppets.
They’re pulling everyone's strings.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Federigo?! Melchisedec?!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Christian con man?! Levantine Jew?!
RIHA
Dismissively.
Forget that I said anything!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Puzzled, he glances back and forth between Girolamo and Riha.
I don’t get it!
RIHA
Oh, what do I know?!
GIOVANNI BARBA
But meanwhile...Oretta’s letter?
RIHA
He shakes his head in vigorous affirmation.
I heard every word! More than once! Alamanno kept getting lost and starting at the top.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Poor guy!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Yeah? Maybe!
RIHA
Well, the little lady is yours—whenever you want!
Riha smiles broadly. Giovanni claps his hands.
But now I live here and I work for you.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Stay indoors! Stay out of sight!
RIHA
Yours to command!
He turns to the audience and makes a "thumbs up" gesture.
So, where’s the kitchen?
(Exit RIHA.)
GIROLAMO AMIERI
He shakes his head and throws his hands in the air.
Well, that’s clear as mud!
GIOVANNI BARBA
He clasps his hands and sighs.
Oh, Girolamo! What does it matter?
He nods ecstatically.
I love Oretta! Oretta loves me! And we’re getting married
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Hark, I hear a drum beat!
He cups an ear with his hand.
You’re mounting the steps to the gallows!
GIOVANNI BARBA
Nonsense!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Tell that to the hangman!
He pauses.
And then there’s Oretta’s dowry.
GIOVANNI BARBA
To hell with her dowry! It’s Oretta’s heart and soul that I crave!
He gestures.
Hah! I don’t need her money!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Actually, you do!
GIOVANNI BARBA
What?
GIROLAMO AMIERI
I don’t know how to tell you, big guy...
He shakes his head in consternation.
Word is going out to all the merchants in the city—thanks to Melchisedec and his friend.
He gestures "going up in smoke"or "blowing away".
Giovanni Barba and his fortune? By sundown, you’ll be just as broke as that Jew from Ancona claimed.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Preposterous!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Tomorrow, your line of credit won’t cover a glass of wine or a crust of bread.
He gives Giovanni a portentous look.
Assuming that your head is still upright on your neck.
GIOVANNI BARBA
So, who’s waiting for tomorrow?
He gives Girolamo a determined look.
There’s a thousand scudi in my name at the Guidolotti bank—in up-front cash! I can thank my once and future father-in-law for that!
He gestures off-stage.
All I need to do is run across town and claim it. Then we can go any place on earth and wait for the dust to settle.
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Good luck making it from here to there...
He shakes his head and gestures "here to there".
...with the police swarming and Alamanno Tolosini going berserk on every corner! But considering your options...
GIOVANNI BARBA
Loud sigh.
…which are basically none!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Well, look at the bright side! Tthey can only hang you once!
He gives Giovanni an encouraging look.
So, it doesn't hurt to try! Cops are thick on the ground, in the fancy parts of town—Ponte Vecchio, Mercato Nuovo, Calimala and so on.
GIOVANNI BARBA
We’ll stick to back alleys!
GIROLAMO AMIERI
Then we need to look like back alley types. I know you’re a dashing sort...
He glances at Giovanni, who preens.
...but the time for undashing has come!
Onstage business as described below.
Flatten your hat! Turn down your moustache! Let your lower lip droop! Squint like you’re cross-eyed! Scratch yourself and pretend you have fleas!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Imagine a minute or two of high-octane Commedia dell’arte shtick! Girolamo slaps Giovanni around, while he morphs into an unprepossessing mess.
She nods approvingly.
Sounds like fun!
GIOVANNIAND GIROLAMO
Giovanni and Girolamo shrug, then turn their baseball caps backwards.
(Exit GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO—in haste.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 11
MONNA SIMONETTA
Have we tears to shed for Messer Alamanno? If so, the time is now!
(Enter ALAMANNO. He stands dejectedly onstage.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Back at the Casa Tolosini—letter in hand—he pours out his heart to the strangely silent door of his daughter’s room.
A loud clap ofthe clapperboard.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He reads from a paper in his hand, addressing an imaginary closed door.
“Giovanni dearest! Light of my life! My one true husband in the sight of God!”
Sudden fury.
Who asked God to interfere! You’re marrying Ambrogio Bordoni—and that’s that!
He waves his hand and continues.
“My lord and father had a senile fit.”
Senile fit!
Outrage.
Who taught you words like these? Your meddling mother? Those damned nuns? Monna Simonetta and her good soul?
He continues.
“I know that daddy loves me...”
He looks up, visibly touched.
Well, this is something at least!
He continues.
“…but he’s turning into a doddering fool and he gets worse every day.”
A stricken look.
Oh, Oretta! Orettina! You cut me to the quick! Wasn’t I there for you—from your first breath? What have I ever done—except for your own good?
Alamanno pauses and puts his hand to his ear.
Speak up! Damn you! My dearest pet!
He continues.
“And now my father wants to cast me into the last circle of hell.”
He looks up.
Dante, huh? That’s what happens when you educate girls! Oh, Oretta! It’s all my fault! You couldn’t send letters, if you didn’t know how to write!
He continues.
“Ambrogio Bordoni! That putrid toad! That gibbering ape! Never! Never! Never! Help! Help! Help!”
He looks up, fondly.
Oh, Oretta! Now I have to smile! You don’t know your own mind! But that’s what fathers are for.
He continues.
“Giovanni—oh, Giovanni—I’m on my knees! But you’re a real man! You know what to do!”
Fierce reaction.
A real man, huh? I bet!
He pounds on the imaginary door.
Unbar the door! Talk to me! Let me in, so I can kill you!
He continues.
“My skin crawls! I’d rather hide in a brothel—whatever that might be!” Brothel!
He looks up, outraged.
“Now hurry, darling! Save me, from a fate worse than death!”
He laughs maniacally.
Worse than death? Won’t strangling do? Here’s the key–right in my hand!
He holds up an imaginary key.
Then there’s only a wooden latch!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Are we ready for comic mayhem? Irate pounding, dropped key, shoulder banging into wood, squeal of pain—and the door swings open.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Alamanno enacts Monna Simonetta's narration, rapid fire.
What the hell? It wasn’t barred! What the hell? No one’s here!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Messer Alamanno rushes into Oretta’s room and bursts into tears.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He lurches forward.
Oh, jewel of my heart! What? Why? How? Why? I don’t understand a thing! I’ll light a thousand candles in a thousand churches! I’ll go on a thousand pilgrimages to Prato, Pistoia, Loreto, China and the moon!
He mimes agonized incomprehension.
Whatever happened to my angelic daughter? The one who grabbed my finger, back in her cradle, and wouldn’t let go? The one who was too shy to take first communion? She needed her mother and me holding her little hands!
More agonized incomprehension.
Oh, poor poor Alamanno! Loving father! Wounded soul! What is left for me anyway? I'll stuff myself in the oven! Hang myself out the window! Throw myself off the roof!
Alamanno strikes an abject pose.
ACT TWO, SCENE 12
MONNA SIMONETTA
Shall we avert our eyes from this painful scene? Poor poor Alamanno—and all the rest?
She smiles brightly.
Not a chance!
She makes a broad gesture.
Here we are—in front of the Tolosini home.
She smiles again.
Things are never so bad that they can’t get worse! Especially when Federigo the matchmaker is on the job.
(ALAMANNO remains onstage but moves to the side.)
(Enter FEDERIGO center stage.)
A loud clap of the clapperboard.
FEDERIGO
To the audience.
So, who’s the biggest fool? Ambrogio Bordoni or Alamanno Tolosini?
Finger to chin, pondering a cosmic question.
Do I rob both at once—or do they get in line and wait their turn?
He nods, considering his options.
Alamanno is a rich old man! Oretta’s husband inherits his entire estate!
Uncertainty.
But what if Alamanno doesn’t die immediately?
He smiles, problem solved.
Well, there’s plenty of fat on Ambrogio Bordoni’s bones! I can pick on that, while I wait!
FEDERIGO
To Alamanno.
What ho, Your Excellency! How are you, this fine day?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Grand! Just grand! Dear God, strike me dead!
FEDERIGO
And Olivetta, your lovely, chaste and marriageable daughter?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Suspicion and alarm.
Oretta! Oretta! Why do you ask?
FEDERIGO
Aside to audience.
Something’s up! His eyebrows nearly shot off the top of his head.
To Alamanno.
Bed-curtains,Your Excellency! Silk brocade--with fringes, tassels and all the rest!
He gestures showing textiles.
A fine set just arrived from Genoa. For you, I can get them cheap.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Bed-curtains?!?!?!
FEDERIGO
“All you need is a bride, a groom and a marriage bed.” You know the proverb!
He gives Alamanno a hard look.
So now, only one thing is missing.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Missing!!!
FEDERIGO
Aside to audience.
There he goes again!
To Alamanno.
Well, if you don’t buy them, Doctor Bordoni will. Same difference, really!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Agitated.
Same difference…really…
FEDERIGO
First, we sign the papers.
He mimes signing papers.
Then we stand back and smile.
He stands back and smiles.
A tender meeting between the two lovers!
He clasps his hands in feigned rapture.
Do I hear lutes and nightingales?
He cocks his head and cups this ear.
Or is that the music of the spheres?
ALAMANNOTOLOSINI
Yes! No! No! Yes! Dear God, strike me dead!
FEDERIGO
So, tonight it is! When the sun sets over the hills! Let joy be unconfined!
He directs a joyful gesture toward Alamanno.
You tell the blushing bride! I’ll tell the blushing groom!
(Exit ALAMANNO.)
(Exit FEDERIGO.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 13
MONNA SIMONETTA
So, where’s the blushing groom?
She searches the stage, then sniffs loudly.
Ah! Just follow your nose—right next door! To the home of Ambrogio Bordoni.
(AMBROGIO stands, hastily adding miscellaneous bits of regalia to his outfit—in full view of the audience.)
With the clapperboard in hand, Monna Simonetta averts her head.
Dear God! This is one you can’t unsee—or unsmell!
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(AMBROGIO makes an exaggeratedly stately entrance.)
(Enter FEDERIGO.)
FEDERIGO
God in heaven, what a stench! There’s enough mold for a mushroom farm!
He shudders.
And all these moths…
He wiggles his fingers, invoking flying moths.
AMBROGIO BORDON
Ponderous jocularity.
Oh, Federigo! You and your little jokes!
Fist in the air.
But now I’m a marrying man! It’s time to dress the part.!
FEDERIGO
He shakes his head in resignation.
Lest I forget?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
My great-great-grandfather—Ambrogio, father of Frusino, father of Ambrogio, father of Frusino, father of Ambrogio…
Ambrogio points at himself.
…wore this very robe…
FEDERIGO
Don’t flap that thing!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
…when the priors welcomed Archduke Carlo at the city gate.
He nods in assent
Such a flood of Latin eloquence!
FEDERIGO
It rivaled Noah’s, I bet.
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I still have his fur hood.
FEDERIGO
There on the floor? Give it a kick! See if it moves!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
…and his plush stockings, velvet collar and brocade bands.
FEDERIGO
He closes his eyes and shakes his head.
Meanwhile, what about you and Oretta?
He speaks slowly , ennunciating each syllable.
You know! The two of you...
He points twice.
I mean to say...
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Dumbfounded.
Me?
He scratches his head.
Her?
FEDERIGO
Billing and cooing! Whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ear!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Each other’s what?
FEDERIGO
Forget I asked!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
My grandmother’s maiden aunt left a whole shelf of llittle books, full of delicate verses and pious thoughts.
He has a bright idea.
I can read them out loud!
He raises an index finger, points at Federigo, then tries out a few rhetorical gestures.
FEDERIGO
He rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders.
Sounds like a plan! But meanwhile, how about a nice wedding ring?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Right here!
Ambrogio holds up his hand.
FEDERIGO
God in heaven!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Nods "yes" with satisfaction.
I got it from Uncle Zanobio, back when I was a boy. It’s carved from whale bone—the real thing!—with a little red bird that pops up in the middle.
FEDERIGO
Little? Red?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Bird! I know what women like!
FEDERIGO
I bet!
MONNA SIMONETTA
I bet too!
(Exit FEDERIGO and AMBROGIO.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 14
MONNA SIMONETTA
Hark! What do I hear? Out there in the street?
She gestures offstage. Then a loud clap with the clapperboard.
Hello, Alamanno! Hello, Riha!
(Enter ALAMANNO, then RIHA)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
You!
RIHA
Me!
He takes a deep breath, then strikes a rhetorical pose.
Dear master, I bring…
ALAMANNOTOLOSINI
Don’t say it, you fat fool! Don’t even think it!
RIHA
…tidings of great joy!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
And what is this “dear master” stuff?
He jabs a finger at him.
Didn’t I fire you this morning?
RIHA
Probably! Also yesterday morning and the day before!
He shrugs his shoulders, then beams jubilantly.
But meanwhile—rest assured!—your money is safe. Giovanni Barba scooped up the down-payment on Oretta’s dowry—a thousand scudi—not an hour ago!
ALAMANNOTOLOSINI
Barba! Barba! Barba!
He clenches his fists.
Didn’t I cancel that engagement?! Didn’t I call the cops?! Didn’t I send a friendly noteto the hangman?!
RIHA
But meanwhile, how about the folks at the bank?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
The bank? Oh, my God! The bank!
RIHA
Not to worry! Giovanni Barba has the money. Not to worry! Your daughter Oretta…
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Oretta?! Oretta?!
RIHA
Oh, Oretta?
Riha shrugs his shoulders and grins at the audience.
I just don't know...
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
What to do?! What to do?!
He gestures expansively.
A miracle from heaven! That’s what I need!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Clear the decks for a bright idea!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Or else...
Messer Alamanno bows deeply to the audience.
...heaven’s agent here on earth!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Hey! It’s 1614! Hey! It’s Carnival! Hey! It’s the Medici Court!
She raises a finger, posing a question.
Guess who’s sitting front and center?
A pregnant pause. Then she bows to the audience.
Grand Duke Cosimo II!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Let justice prevail—Serenissima Altezza—right here, in your happy realm! And divine order! Let good be rewarded and evil
Ambrogio pauses at "evil", then looks up and strokes his chin.
MONNA SIMONETTA
Stop right there!
She raises her arm and makes a bold traffic cop gesture.
Here comes Monna Dianora! Messer Alamanno’s perpetually flustered wife.
(Enter DIANORA briskly.)
DIANORA TOLOSINI
With unexpected strength and decisiveness.
Oh husband, give His Highness a break! Those crowned heads have plenty of real work to do!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Look of surprise
Wow!
Pause.
Where did that come from?
Pause.
You go, girl!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
To Dianora.
It’s your fault, woman! It’s all your fault!
He jabs a finger at her.
But what else is new?
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Not a thing, dear! We’ve heard it all before!
She gestures offstage.
Why don’t you run out and give Adam back his rib?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He points an accusatory finger.
Wifely duty? You laugh!
He jabs his finger again.
Family honor? You scoff!
He gestures from place to place.
You dash from church to church, from rosary to rosary, from mass to mass…
DIANORA TOLOSINI
I was at Monna Simonetta’s—just over the garden wall.
Monna Dianora and Monna Simonetta exchange conspiratorial glances.
RIHA
He nods enthusiastically.
Such a good soul!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
To Dianora.
While your hearth and home goes to wrack and ruin! Your daughter…
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Our daughter, dear!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Woe is me!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Your chief treasure! The light of your life!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
The one who grabbed my finger, back in her little cradle and wouldn’t let go! The one who couldn’t take communion without…
He looks directly at Monna Dianora.
Well, you know!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
She looks back at him consolingly.
Yes dear, I know!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Whatever happened to our angelic daughter?
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Not a thing, Alamanno, not a thing! She’s the same girl that she always was! Now get a grip and listen up…
MONNA SIMONETTA
She interrupts.
But hark! I hear a merry ruckus down the street!
She gestures offstage.
Here come Federigo and Ambrogio. That festive pair!
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
ACT TWO, SCENE 15
(Enter AMBROGIO and FEDERIGO.)
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Dear God, what a stench!
RIHA
Dress to impress, huh?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio reads from a booklet, grimacing and making clumsy gestures.
Man and woman, created He them,
One to command and the other obey.
Oh what bliss, this sweet subjection brings!
God’s in his heaven and all is right with the world!
FEDERIGO
Shakes his head in wonder.
A true romantic! Who knew?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
That’s Oretta’s window, right?
Ambrogio points to Oretta’s window.
She needs to hear this too!
RIHA
Knock yourself out!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Confidential aside to the audience, shielding her mouth with her hand..
Can’t do any harm! She 's not there anyway!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Ambrogio continues to read from his booklet.
Oh dearest Adam, sayeth Eve,
A single bite is all you need!
Fie, woman, fie! Adam replied…
RIHA
Riha interrupts.
Hey! It’s Giovanni! Hey! It’s Girolamo! Hey! It’s the cops in hot pursuit!
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO jump up from their seats. They do a circuit of the stage, then they return to their seats.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Watch out, Ambrogio! Watch out!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Too late!
RIHA
Down you go!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
He waves his arms, as if struggling to maintain his balance.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Come back, Barba, you scoundrel! Where’s my thousand scudi? Where’s my daughter?
FEDERIGO
Explosive double-take.
Scudi?!?!?!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Mirrors Federigo's reaction.
Daughter?!?!?!
FEDERIGO
Say what?!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Say what?!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
She runs her hand across her mouth—forcefully.
Stop, Alamanno! Not another word!
MONNA SIMONETTA
She raises her hands in supplication.
For the love of God! End this—please!
(Exit ALL.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 16
MONNA SIMONETTA
Now a quick cut to Melchisedec’s home in the Florentine Ghetto.
She makes a few hocus-pocus gestures.
Oh, the magic of the East!
She claps her hands and raises her eyes ecstatically.
Imagine exotic music!
Hand to ear, conjuring rapturous music.
Imagine rich spices and strange perfumes!
She sniffs the air.
Imagine fabulous garments!
(MELCHISEDEC, seated, pats his turban.)
Imagine secret passages and buried treasure! Imagine...
She runs out of steam—shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head.
Oh, imagine any damned thing you want!
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
(MELCHISEDEC enters and strikes a pose.)
MELCHISEDEC
Why—oh, why—is there never a Jew when you need one?
He thinks out loud, indicating the points as they come to him.
Money to borrow? Spells to cast? Fortunes to tell? Costumes to rent? Rags to sell? Someone to blame?
Now you see me and now you don’t!
Melchisedec bows to the audience.
Especially at Carnival time! And how about my little friend?
Melchisedec turns toward Ambrogio Bordoni and flicks his chin with one hand (expressing contempt).
Ambrogio—seated in his chair—cringes.
MELCHISEDEC
The one from Ancona? The one who stepped on my best lines and couldn’t keep his beard straight?
He waves his hand in the air.
That Jew flew by so fast, we barely saw him pass!
Ladies and gentlemen...
Melchisedec bows to the audience.
Whatever you want, I got—and wholesale too!
He bows again.
Ah, tradition, tradition! Between Twelfth Night and Mardi Gras, I prance and preen in Jew-face in every damned play!
Pause.
But where does that leave me—the rest of the year?!
MONNA SIMONETTA
Great stuff, Melchisedec! Now count to ten and snap out of it! We have work to do!
(Exit MELCHISEDEC.)
ACT TWO, SCENE 17
MONNA SIMONETTA
She holds the clapperboard over her head.
Same old, same old! We’re back on the street in front of the Tolosini home.
A loud clap with the clapperboard.
MONNA SIMONETTA
What a crowd! What a crowd! Are they hanging a pick-pocket or giving out free sweets?
She waves.
Hello, Alamanno!
(Enter ALAMANNO, shaking his head sadly.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
And Dianora—his sporadically obedient wife.
(Enter DIANORA. She looks at her husband Ambrogio, then shrugs her shoulders and smiles.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Riha, his once and future manservant, hovers nearby.
(Enter RIHA. He grins, then makes a thumbs up gesture.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Then Ambrogio Bordoni, Doctor of Law.
(Enter AMBROGIO, on tip-toes. He looks around furtively.)
Stop right there, man! We see you sneaking away!
MONNA SIMONETTA
And Federigo.
(Enter FEDERIGO, grinning wolfishly.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Matchmaker, matchmaker! Well, I’m glad that someone is having fun!
She leans over confidingly.
Don’t tell a soul—just between you and me!
She makes an upward gesture.
Upstairs, on the second floor!
(ORETTA and LUCIA stand in front of their chairs.)
Imagine the shutters cracking open!
A "cracking open" gesture with ther hands.
Imagine Oretta peering through!
She mimes "peering through".
Imagine Lucia—her maidservant–right behind!
She stiffens her posture.
ORETTA AND LUCIA
Oretta casts down her eyes demurely.
Lucia smiles boldly.
How? What? Why?
So, you’re young! So, you’re crazy! So, you go scampering over roof-tops!
She nods decisively.
You can always scamper back the same way!
Now who’s missing? Giovanni and Girolamo.
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO stand in front of their chairs, each raising a hand.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
To Giovanni and Girolamo.
Hey, guys!
To audience.
They’re hiding somewhere...
She swivels her head around.
Right nearby!
GIOVANNI AND GIROLAMO
They duck briefly behind their scripts, then emerge again.
MONNA SIMONETTA
And Melchisedec?
She looks around.
Melchisedec!
She shakes her head.
Why is there never a Jew when you need one? Onstage—now!
(Enter MELCHISEDEC. He raises both hands.)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
You!
Alamanno points to Melchisedec.
MELCHISEDEC
Me!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Morning, Melchisedec! Or is it evening?
RIHA
Yo! What’s up?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
A series of disconnected gestures.
Help! Help! Help!
Police! Police! Police!
Take the Jew away!
Tear him limb from limb!
Make him talk!
MELCHISEDEC
Talk you want? Talk you get!
He gives Messer Alamanno a searching look.
Are you sure?
DIANORATOLOSINI
Alamanno, dear…
AMBROGIOBORDONI
Jew talk! It’s only Jew talk! Don’t believe a thing!
MELCHISEDEC
Jew talk, huh?
He points an accusing finger.
Jew talk!!!
He repeats the gesture.
You ought to know! Now, listen up—one and all!
He raises a hand, then raises his eyes to heaven.
“By the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob! Should a single word prove untrue, I will eat pork in public for all to see.”
(The FULL CAST stands up—expressing solemn awe.)
FEDERIGO
He means it, Ambrogio! He means it! Start worrying fast!
MELCHISEDEC
And you, mister lawyer!
He points to Ambrogio.
And you, mister merchant!
He points to Alamanno.
Be my guests! Special seats in the front row!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Gevalt! Dio mio! Vey iz mir!
MELCHISEDEC
He applauds—clapping his hands.
Make with the Greek Hebrew! Or is it Hebrew Greek? Paste your beard back on! We can use a laugh!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Simple facts are all I wan—in plain Florentine!
He jabs his finger in the air, punctuating his questions.
Where’s my daughter?
Where’s my money?
Where’s my daughter?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Why, she’s safe at home! All locked-up! Like any decent girl!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Yes! No! Maybe!
DIANORATOLOSINI
Alamanno, dear…
MONNA SIMONETTA
She interrupts.
Upstairs!
A sweeping gesture.
What light through yonder window breaks? Do we see a shutter opening wide?
(ORETTA, standing in front of her chair, raises her hand and nods.)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
A walk! That’s it! Oretta went for a walk!
He nods vigorously.
Oretta went for a walk! Just around the block!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Around the block? Walking? In the street?
He stares in bewilderment.
Like a common…
RIHA
Street-walker?
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Manischewitz! Babaganoush! Gott in himmel!
RIHA
Damaged goods!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Alack! Alas! Have I come to this?
He points at himself.
Ambrogio, son of Frusino, son of Ambrogio, son of Frusino, son of Ambrogio...
He raises a hand to clarify.
All Bordoni, of course.
FEDERIGO
But the dowry! Don’t forget the dowry!
RIHA
That went for a walk too!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
The dowry?
RIHA
The dowry!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
Hava! Naghila! Hava! Gelt! Gelt! Gelt!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
What an uproar! I can’t hear myself think!
A broad gesture.
Go home! All of you!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
He makes a sudden move to leave.
MELCHISEDEC
Not so fast, Ambrogio! It’s story time!
AMBROGIO BORDONI
I’m out of here!
RIHA
He’s out of here!
FEDERIGO
I’m right behind!
(Exit AMBROGIO and FEDERIGO.)
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Good riddance! I never liked that lawyer, even when I pretended I did! And Federigo?
She shudders.
Oh, please!
RIHA
So, who’s next?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Get the Jew!
He points at Melchisedec.
It’s all his fault!
MELCHISEDEC
Oh, that again!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Rapid, scatter-shot gestures.
Take him away! Tear him limb from limb! Make him talk!
MELCHISEDEC
Keep it up, big guy!
He smiles with amusement.
You’ll never find your daughter! Nor Giovanni Barba! Nor your money!
(ORETTA waves, standing in front of her chair.
Everyone—except ALAMANNO—looks at her.
ALAMANNO obtusely turns his back and looks in the other direction.)
MONNA SIMONETTA
Meanwhile, Giovanni and Girolamo creep out from behind...
She stops and ponders
Oh, let's say a barrel! Or maybe a well or a fountain? How about a tabernacle or a market stall?
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO both stand in front of their chairs and wave.)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Rapid, scatter-shot gestures.
Police! Police! Police!
Jew! Jew! Jew!
Make him talk!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Alamanno, dear…
MELCHISEDEC
With a deep voice and a broad gesture.
Hath not a Jew…?
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Alamanno cuts him off.
No, he hasn’t! Take him away! Where are the cops?
RIHA
Something is rotten in the state of Florence!!!
MELCHISEDEC
He gives Riha an amused look.
You're telling me! Where to start?
RIHA
Just joking, Your Highness!
Riha bows to the audience.
It’s Carnival, you know!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He erupts yet again.
Police! Police! Police!
MELCHISEDEC
Never there when you need them!
MONNASIMONETTA
Enough, already!
Monna Simonetta stows her clapperboard and puts on a police hat.
MELCHISEDEC
Here we go!
MONNA SIMONETTA (as Police Constable)
Stop!
Monna Simonetta holds up a hand.
(GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO make a synchronized entrance—each with a hand raised, imitating Monna Simonetta’s gesture.)
GIOVANNI and GIROLAMO
Together.
In the name of love!
RIHA
Shrugs his shoulders.
Good as any other!
(VARIOUS CAST MEMBERS imitate the hand gesture.)
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Tear them all limb from limb! Make them all talk!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Alamanno, dear…
GIOVANNI BARBA
Here’s your thousand scudi! You can give them back to me whenever you want. And there’s your daughter!
(EVERYONE looks at ORETTA, standing in front of her chair.)
(Enter ORETTA—with LUCIA following behind.)
Oh, Giovanni! Light of my life!
ALAMANNOTOLOSINI
Who? What? Where? I don’t understand a thing!
DIANORATOLOSINI
That’s alright, dear!
MELCHISEDEC
Madam…
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
It’s all his doing!
Alamanno Tolosini points to Melchisedec.
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Yes, dear—but not really. And that’s alright too!
A thousand pardons, Messer Alamanno! “Father-in-law”,I mean to say.
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Ha!
GIOVANNI BARBA
In deference and respect, I came up short.
ORETTA
But we’re young! We’re in love! And we’re marrying!
She brushes off her hands.
So, that’s that!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Bless you, daughter! Bless you, son!
GIOVANNIBARBA
And I’m crazy rich. Don’t forget!
RIHA
For real!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Well, someone’s to blame!
He looks around frantically.
GIOVANNI BARBA
Take your pick!
MELCHISEDEC
Anyone you want!
RIHA
You can always fire me!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
He shakes his head seismically.
I don’t understand a thing!
DIANORA TOLOSINI
Tell you later, dear!
RIHA
But now, I’m getting hungry.
GIOVANNI BARBA
How about a wedding feast? It’s on me!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
Not a chance! I’m paying! She’s my daughter!
RIHA
Who said she wasn’t?!
ALAMANNO TOLOSINI
To Giovanni Barba.
Here’s the thousand scudi! You can have the rest of the dowry too!
RIHA
I’ll lead the way! Take my arm! Lucia, darling!
LUCIA
Riha, darling!
ORETTA
Double-take.
Dear God! Not that?!
LUCIA
He’s a lot of man, Oretta! A lot of man!
RIHA
Love is like the plague! One person catches it, then the next! And before you know it, there’s no one left!
MONNA SIMONETTA
So, exeunt omnes?
Monna Simonetta removes the police hat.
We’re done here, right?
FULL CAST
Done! Done! Done!
RIHA
Come on, everyone! It’s time to eat!
Final clap with the clapperboard.
So that’s that!
(Exit FULL CAST in procession, led by GIOVANNI and ORETTA, RIHA and LUCIA, ALAMANNO and DIANORA—arm in arm.)